Bobby Fischer: Well, they finally caught that desperado Bobby Fischer. Immigration has been hunting for him since 1992. It only took twelve years to catch that frightening criminal. I’m beginning to feel much safer already. Bobby was America’s hero back in 1972. An eccentric, fairly low in social skills, but boy, he could play chess. He went to Reykjavik, Iceland to play the Russian master, Boris Spassky, and he beat him. The Cold War. Many of you probably don’t remember. But Americans were ecstatic. We beat the Russians at their own game.

How did Bobby Fischer, chess master, become Bobby Fischer, international criminal? Well, it happened this way. A rematch was called for in 1992. Bobby Fischer went to Jugoslavia (remember Jugoslavia?) against the express wishes of Immigration or the State Department or some such. Bobby went anyway. Beat Boris again and won 3.3 million dollars. He’s been flitting from country to country ever since and Immigration has been unsuccessfully tracking this elusive criminal. Now, I’m the first to admit that Bobby has said some harsh things about the United States since he’s been on the run. Not nice things. But since when has dissent and saying, nay even swearing, about our government been a crime? I do it every day. And how much money has our government spent in pursuing this ruthless felon? Oh, my, I do run on. Well, now that they’ve arrested Bobby trying to board a plane in Japan, I can sleep better at night.